That is probably some of the best advice I have been given in years.  Do you remember those stretch Armstrong dolls you had when you were a kid? You and a friend could hold it by either arm and pull it in separate directions and it would just stretch and stretch. I feel like that is happening to me. Except that I’m not just stretching, it hurts and muscles are being torn.  I’m trying to help too many people at once and I’m finding very little time to help myself.

Ever since my father died Matt and I have picked up the slack and started paying my mother’s bills. She is on a very limited fixed income due to her spinal injuries and cannot maintain a job. She can’t stand up for too long, sit for too long, and lay for too long. It makes it difficult to get a job and according to her doctors she shouldn’t have one anyways. They seem to think she should just be in bed all day. Fat chance of that the woman is as restless as a two year old high on candy.

Not only are we paying the bills, which are needlessly high, but we pitch in for food and household maintenance. This wouldn’t be so frustrating if she lived alone but she doesn’t. My 22 year old brother lives with her. He’s jobless, and useless. He has no common sense or any sense of responsibility. He doesn’t have a job; he can’t maintain one due to his love of stealing stupid things. He seems to hold the mentality of at 15 year old. Saving money is of no concern for him. Who cares that she has 5$ to her name, he wants it for gas to go party across down. Sure the fridge is full of food, let’s invite over 15+ people for a pool party and eat it all in one day. Never mind that it needed to last the month.

Then there is Joey. He helps out when he can, and we do appreciate it. But it comes with extra baggage. He nags constantly, nonstop, there is never a moment when he doesn’t complain about something. If it’s not his back pains, it’s my brother, or the bills, or my mother. Something is always wrong and it’s almost always blown out of proportion. Not to say there isn’t any truth in his complaints, they are just unnecessary and he is more than likely stating the obvious.  He spends most of the weekends at my mother’s house with her. Claims it’s to help her out but I really think it’s for himself. He isn’t in a better position than she is, in fact it might be worse.

Joey doesn’t have a steady job; he lives in a small trailer on a ranch where he helps out. He barely cover’s his own rent much less his utilities and food.  So he comes to mothers on the weekend to stay there.  She complains about it but she appreciates his help.  We love Joey, just not the way that he seems to love her.  He was very close to my dad, father/son almost. And it seems like he’s trying to be my dad now. Replacing the empty void for everyone with himself; A noble gesture, albeit unwanted. And now my little cousin Max spends most of his days over at my mother’s house as well.

So in a house where Matt and I should only be taking care of one person we have at any given time 4 +.That’s just at my mothers, we then have our own home to take care of.  Renting from my grandparents should be an easy deal. However, it’s complicating things far more than I care to acknowledge. (If I ignore it, it will go away right?)  We pay rent on time, we pay all our utilities and everyone elses. No big deal. However, the house is older than I am and it’s falling apart. We take care of the small things here and there. Anything that might have been caused by my animals or our neglect.

But when it comes to the big things, that’s the landlords job right? When the electricity stops working in the backyard, the garbage disposal? When the bathroom tiles fall off the wall and into the tub and the entire wall bulges out.  The AC vents are filled with mold, the closet wall backing up against the bathroom is molding at the bottom. Those are not cheap or easy fixes.  Normally I’d have no problem bringing these issues up to my grandparents but my grandfather has not worked in several months. Infact he’s been in the hospital. He has acute myeloid leukemia. All though he keeps pushing it into remission his hospital stays are getting longer and longer. If it’s not the leukemia it’s pneumonia or a staff infection. Something is constantly holding him down. My grandmother is a retired teacher who now subs on the side. Needless to say they can’t afford to fix these issues. Nor can I bring myself to even complain. For the love of God, they are dealing with Cancer.

But that doesn’t fix the problem. I’ve been without a dishwasher for about a month now, my bathroom wall is still missing tiles, and the mold continues to grow.  I don’t’ have the funds to pay for repairs, I’m barely covering all my bills and all of my mother’s bills.  Now things are looking bleak for my grandparents too. I’m not sure I’m prepared for this.

Not to mention our friends. They are great. I love you all very much, and as such would do anything for any of you. That includes helping car repairs so you can get to work, lending my couch at night so you don’t sleep on the streets while you job search, feeding you every weekend. Providing beer and other activities so you don’t feel so depressed and think the world is a horrible place.

It was easy in the beginning. Matt and I didn’t sweat the small stuff, but it’s getting harder. Nerves are frayed and tension is rising. If it isn’t one thing it’s another. The cup was half empty but it’s getting full now.  I don’t have time to write anymore, to game, or even read any books. I’ve no time to myself and I’m going crazy.

Maybe the world really is a horrible place.

Now what to do with all this space?!

I believe it was nightfall, but its hard to say with how bright the lights were. Think Vegas, and then add several hundred more lights. I started off on the top level, wearing a white gown that looked almost Greek in style.  A fireball fell from the sky and landed about a football field away from me. It knocked down all four bridges, toppling everything down onto the bottom floor. People were screaming and running all over.  I was among a group of about twenty who were taken down in the debris and fell to the bottom floor. Somehow surviving the fall with a few minor injuries, I think I sprang my ankle.

Of the twenty that fell, three looked like military men, I’m assuming the police. They wore matching black suits with gold sashes moving from their right shoulder to their left hip. Inside their jackets, attached to the back of the sashes, were two guns and a sword. They were trying to gather the group up, and keep everyone calm. Just as one of the men began to issue orders, a plan to get us back to the top, two more fireballs landed above crashing down on our surroundings. We were told to run. One of the guards picked me up because he thought it was more effective then my wobbling with my ankle. We were weaving in and out of falling concrete and burning buildings.  After about 30 minutes of running we all gathered in what used to be a park. The tree’s were mostly dead and the bushes were over grown. From where we all huddled we could see one of the fireballs.

It began to crack and open, these little spider like creatures crawled out from the ball. Hundreds of them, no bigger than a baseball.  The guards didn’t even hesitate, each one pulled out a gun and began to fire. This of course, drew the attention of the creatures to us.  As they came after us, a beggar on the street got caught in the crossfire.  The creatures swarmed him and in a matter of seconds, nothing was left. No bones, no clothes, nothing.  As if we were not already afraid, the group  began to panic. People ran in every direction. At least two other men were devoured by the creatures.  Well, I’m no hero. Naturally I panicked with the crowd and began to make my escape.  I used a fallen branch as a sort of brace as I moved back into the city. I thought perhaps, that I could hole myself up in one of the buildings and wait for safety.

Of course, true to any nightmare, every door was locked. I couldn’t find a place to hide. All logical thoughts had left me at this point, and I was nothing better than a frightened animal. I managed to corner myself in an alley way with a group of thugs. They hadn’t seen the spider creatures yet, and had no real reason to panic. They were using the disaster above to their advantage. Since I was dressed as one of the upper class, I clearly would have some money, or other valuables that would interest them.  The men pushed me around and eventually knocked me to the ground. There were four total, three stood behind me laughing and one straddled my form, crouching over me as he held my dress in his fists, lifting me slightly off the ground. I distinctly remember the smell of his breath. It was horrible. Like rotten eggs. His teeth were crooked and one in the front was chipped.

He kept yelling at me to give him all my money, each time he asked he’d shake me. I felt like my brain was being rattled into mush. Everything began to blur together into a crazy ramble when there was a loud pop. Everything seemed to fall silent after that, and slow down. I could hear my heart beat, the buzzing of a fly in the trash can to the right of me. The sweat drops rolling down one of the thugs cheeks. And then, as though everything snapped back into place the mans head opened up and his brains splattered all over me. I was covered in his blood and screaming at the top of my lungs.  The guards had caught up to me.  The other men ran off. The guard pushed the dead man off of me and pulled me into his arms.

He kept telling me to call down. But how could I? I was covered in blood, there were giant fireballs falling from the sky, and spiders were eating people. Calming down was the last thing on my mind.  I did subdue a little after he slapped me. Standing back up he handed me the branch I was using as a brace.  Another fireball crashed down on us at that point. We were trapped in the alley, the concrete from a road above us was raining down on us. I woke up at this point. I’m not really sure what happened after that, and I hope I don’t find out.

I’m not even afraid of spiders.. wtf.

I used to write for you. Now I write about you. Even as I smile in our meeting, you’ve died at least 3 times in my mind. Spoken words are fleeting, here I document your destruction for all eternity. I had to wait a while for her heated whispers in my ear. Now I know what she’s been plotting.  I’ll eagerly take the plunge into madness with her as my guide.

Earth teach me stillness
as the grasses are stilled with light.
Earth teach me suffering
as old stones suffer with memory.
Earth teach me humility
as blossoms are humble with beginning.
Earth teach me caring
as the mother who secures her young.
Earth teach me courage
as the tree which stands alone.
Earth teach me limitation
as the ant which crawls on the ground.
Earth teach me freedom
as the eagle which soars in the sky.
Earth teach me resignation
as the leaves which die in the fall.
Earth teach me regeneration
as the seed which rises in the spring.
Earth teach me to forget myself
as melted snow forgets its life.
Earth teach me to remember kindness
as dry fields weep in the rain.

~A Ute Prayer~
~author unknown~ ]]> http://rhianlyth.com/2010/03/08/prayer/feed/ http://rhianlyth.com/2010/02/01/to-whom-it-may-concern/ http://rhianlyth.com/2010/02/01/to-whom-it-may-concern/#comments Mon, 01 Feb 2010 17:37:33 +0000 Chorus http://rhianlyth.com/?p=160 Steam is so fucking pro.

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Yeah, I’m here. Wut up? To the mysterious few who keep messaging me. I’m sorry I havent responded, ya’ll are just crazy. No plans yet, I’ll let you know..

All is well,

Well.. is all.. yeah Its all well! I’m sick today though -sniffle sniffle- Sick of Alex! Yeah I know you are reading this now. Don’t lie!  Probably your first time, won’t be the last. -wink-

Dear Lord, save me from my allergies. Amen.